Fear of Failure
Shame is guilt’s evil twin. Where guilt is feeling bad about things you’ve done; shame is feeling bad about who you are – The Daily Dad, Ryan Holiday
For many years, I was stuck in a job that I loathed.
That time took a hefty toll on my mental health, limited my opportunities for personal growth, and ultimately led to me adopting a cynical and overly negative outlook on the future.
But despite my suffering, I never went looking for a new job. And there was only one reason for it: fear of failure!
From a rational perspective, there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I mean, I still had my old job, so applying for jobs was essentially free of risk. The only thing at stake was some of my spare time.
But from an emotional perspective, I was horrified! What scared me the most was the possibility of getting rejected. Somewhere, deep down in my mind, was a nasty voice that kept telling me what rejection meant:
- I am not good enough and therefore not worth much
- I wouldn’t merely fail, I’d BE a failure
- I must be ashamed of myself
I knew how absurd these emotions were, so I tried to reason them away. I repeatedly told myself that even highly skilled people could fail an interview for all sorts of reasons, that I was so much more than a worker, and that people failed to get jobs all the time.
But infuriatingly, I just couldn’t overcome those feelings, regardless of how hard I tried!
They held me prisoner, simply overruling anything I wanted to do. And so I stayed right where I was, stuck, unable to get away.
It didn’t help that I only recently understood what was going on. Although those emotions had accompanied me for most of my life, I’ve never managed to identify and name them.
Be it failing to get my driver’s license, not getting accepted by a university I had applied for, dressing up for a formal occasion, or publishing a piece I had written: all of these carried the risk of failure – and so I avoided them like the plague.
But as I mentioned, back then I didn’t know what was going on. I was afraid, but I never called it fear. Instead, I came up with lame excuses like “I didn’t want to succeed anyway”, “I don’t want to belong to you” or “I’ll just do a little more research before publishing my article”.
But you know what? I’m done with those lame excuses. I’m sick of feeling stuck. I no longer want my life to be controlled by fear!
What’s more, I’ve got plenty of reasons to change: getting out of a job I loathe, improving my health, and setting an example for my kids.
Conquering my fear won’t be easy. Luckily, I don’t have to do it on my own, because I’ve found a therapist willing to help.
I’m aware that it will take plenty of time to get better, but I’m confident that I’ll get there eventually.