Receiving my first poor performance review
âWhen we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.â â Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
I still remember the first time I received a poor performance review quite vividly. That is to say, I vividly remember all of my feelings, but barely remember any of the details.
When I joined the designated meeting with my manager, I felt relaxed and confident. Not only was I proud of my own work, but I had only received positive feedback during all of my previous check-ins. Naturally, I was sure I had met all the expectations (and probably even surpassed some).
After a few minutes of the usual smalltalk, my manager informed me that I hadnât meet expectations that year. This took me entirely by surprise.
I was shocked! How could this be? My manager had told me on multiple occasions that I was meeting expectations. Whatâs more, he had never given me any negative feedback, let alone warned me that my performance might not meet expectations. So how was this possible?
Some of these questions I asked out loud, while others remained in my head. But honestly, I didnât really listen to the answers I was given.
Instead, my confusion turned into anger. Why did no one tell me about this before? What about all the extra time and heart I had put into my work? What abut all the glowing peer feedback? And why has this been managed to poorly?
Before I could ask any of those questions, I noticed tears forming in my eyes. I realized that continuing the conversation would be futile, and so I decided to end it. Right there, in the middle of the conversation, I excused myself and just walked out.
I needed a break to collect myself and to process the news, so I went on a very long walk. Slowly, as my anger subsided, my mind started a new train of thought: how could I fight this?
I convinced myself that I should try to undo the results of my performance review. After all, this would have a financial impact and also put a stain on my work history. Not only that, but for two reasons I believed I had a case: First, I recalled the various times Iâd heard an HR representative say that the results of a performance review should never be surprising. Second, I had five or six different managers that year alone. As a result, I came to the conclusion that management must have made a mistake. I figured that they just werenât aware of my contributions and that this could be rectified.
As soon as I returned from my walk, I asked my manager for a follow up conversation the next day. Once we had settled on a time, I logged out of work. For the rest of the day, I turned everything over in my head again and again.
When I woke up the next morning, my desire to fight had completely vanished. There seemed to be no point in it anymore. All my energy had gone and the only emotion that remained with me was a profound sadness.
Later that day, during the appointed time, I received some additional details from my manager. He said that I had actually met most of the expectations, but that there were a few areas that needed improvements. Because it was such a close call, there would be no impact on my compensation and no official performance improvement plan. However, I received a definite list of things to improve. Last, but not least, I learned that my manager would change yet again.
I suppose that this conversation should have consoled me. Probably, I should also have been glad that the consequences were so mild and that I had been given a clear path forward. But none of it helped to cure my gloomy mood.
I found myself in a deep hole and for many days I wasnât able to climb out. I felt rejected, unappreciated and like I no longer belonged. The time and effort I had invested over the last year felt utterly wasted. All I wanted to do was quit, but something kept me from actually handing in my resignation.
After about two weeks, my thoughts and emotions began to change. I was still mulling things over, but approached them from a different perspective. I remembered some of the ideas from Stoicism I had read about, and began applying them to the situation.
I began to accept my situation. After all, I couldnât change what had happened. However, I realized something important: how I responded was entirely up to me!
This insight brought back all my former energy. But I was no longer angry. I was actually enthusiastic. I now saw an excellent opportunity to test my character and to show what I was made off.
I decided that I would accept the feedback that I had received as genuine. Instead of unfair criticism, it had become a chance to improve. I took that chance and started working on it with my new manager.
On top of that, I also gave a presentation to my entire department about coping with setbacks. Even though I didnât allude to what had caused me grief, I shared the insights that had helped me cope. To me, it felt like showing management that it hadnât broken me.
These actions began to carry fruit: my new manager soon told me how impressed he was with my response to the feedback. After my presentation, several colleagues reached out and thanked me for the impact my presentation had on them. My professional skills actually improved too.
But most importantly, I felt like I had discovered a new aspect of what it means to be a human being. I used to be the guy that was always successful at work. But when that narrative fell apart, I was confronted with an entirely new set of thoughts and feelings. Thankfully, I was able to take these and to assemble a deeper, more complex understanding of work and my relationship to it.